Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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