Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
