We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
