Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Randomize
