Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Randomize
