I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
