We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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