I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
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