Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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