so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
I look excited, but its just a facade.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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