I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Randomize
