I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
