There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
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