Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
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So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
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Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
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