peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
