Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
