got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
