I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
what day is it and did you see me today?
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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