Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
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