dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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