I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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