Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
