My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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