god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Randomize
