the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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