Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
