Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
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If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
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A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
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