Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Randomize
