there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
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