How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
