I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
