My first STD was from a foam party
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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