Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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