I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
