We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
