This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
