3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
I haven't been this sober since birth.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
