Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
Randomize
