Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.

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(631): View more from New York

OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester

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(207): View more from Maine

We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.

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(+93): View more from

5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...

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(712): View more from Iowa

Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.

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(479): View more from Arkansas

The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.

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(309): View more from Illinois

Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not

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(907): View more from Alaska

Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.

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(406): View more from Montana

Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.

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