I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
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