oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
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