I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
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the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
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two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!