My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
25 People Didn’t Realize They Were Talking To Someone Famous
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
21 People Tragically Stumbled Upon A Dead Body
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance