Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
Randomize
