I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
Randomize
