so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
