i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
