sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Randomize
