Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Randomize
