I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
