Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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