You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
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