a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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