You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
BRING THE BAGELS
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
